...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
