And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
