Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.