after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
