reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
