I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
