I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
