There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
