ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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