Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
