didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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