Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
