Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
