What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
