I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
