I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
