Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
