Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
