i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
