first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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