if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
