looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My vagina just recognized that song.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
