I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
