Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
