If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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