remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
