she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
