umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he thought i was a dude.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
