You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
