Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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