Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
