I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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