So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
