Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
