im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize