Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
