Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
