puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
