Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
These tits shall not be calmed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
