Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
