He passed out mid-signature
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
