I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
