Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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