Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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