i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
