Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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