I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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