It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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