I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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