ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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