How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
