We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
