she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
