Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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