My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
